How to Survive Public Transportation

25 Aug

Cabs are public transportation for the privledged.

If you take public transportation to work, or even if you don’t, you know that it isn’t the most desirable way to get around. Besides the college kids and the commuters trying to save a bit of time and money, the city bus is full of whack jobs that are too crazy to get a driver’s license. Taking public transportation to and from work is typically the nastiest part of any normal person’s day, but at least it brings us great stories to tell our non-city bus riding friends.

Tips for surviving public transportation: 

  • Don’t talk to strangers. You might think the crazy guy wearing paint-splattered shorts over sweat pants is talking to you, but listen carefully, he’s actually having a conversation with himself. Be polite and don’t interrupt.
  • Avoid making eye contact with anyone. Yes, there is a man sitting on the steps wearing a giant wooden cross. Although it’s tempting to stare, because really how can you not, do your best to face forward and pretend that this behavior is normal. If he catches you looking at him, he might actually talk to you and trust me, you don’t want that.
  • Carry hand sanitizer with you at all times. You might be able to get away without touching anything, but if you can’t, you need to come prepared.
  • Change clothes immediately upon arriving home. Do not sit on the couch, do not lay down on the bed, get those grimy clothes into the laundry basket immediately! Who knows what you may have just sat in on the city bus, or at the very least who may have been sitting there before you. You don’t want to know, you don’t want to think about it, but you do need to wash those pants.
  • Wear headphones. This is your excuse to ignore anyone who tries to creep on you. So when the guy sitting next to you starts complimenting your feet, you’re not being rude by not responding, you simply “can’t hear him.”
  • Don’t stuff yourself into the middle seat between two people who cannot fit into their own designated seats. While it may not seem fair that they’re taking up 1.5 seats and you’re left to stand for half an hour, you’ll be grateful to have made this sacrifice. When the city bus hits a bump, they will fall on you and you will feel their meaty skin on yours. You don’t want that.
  • Do listen to crazy people’s cell phone conversations. They’re pretty hilarious and they make for some really great stories.Plus you can learn a few things. I mean it’s not everyday you get to hear a woman beg her jobless ex-boyfriend who has recently been released from prison to take her back. If she’s talking so loud that you have learned this information from her phone call, she’s actually asking you to listen. This is a cultural educational experience and you need to share your newfound knowledge with your friends and co-workers.

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