People to Avoid When Riding the Bus

10 Oct

The bus is a traveling freak show.

If you work in a downtown area, you’re probably well aware that parking isn’t cheap. In order to save money, many of us take the cheap way out, by riding the bus to work. The pros of riding the bus end with the money-saving factor. Unfortunately for me, this one little benefit outweighs the laundry list of weird stuff that I subject myself to on a daily basis, by being cooped up with a bunch of flaming weirdos for the entire duration of the bus ride. Riding the bus is about survival of the fittest – only the toughest can handle doing it for years and years, like I have. One of the most important keys to success is learning how to dodge the biggest whack jobs.

Avoid These People When Riding the Bus:

  • The Pervert: This weirdo wants to ride more than just the bus. They started giving you the eye at the bus stop, and now they’re inching up the aisle trying to get closer to you. Watch your arse, because this person is leering at it like a hyena and a turkey leg. If they try to talk to you, try to conjure up a few words that you learned in high school spanish class. “No habla ingles, el perverto.”
  • Disheveled Types: These people look like they haven’t showered in days (or months), you have no idea what it is that they’re wearing, and when you get closer chances are that they’re going to smell, bad. Stay away from these people, if you sit next to them, their stench might rub off on you. Or even worse, if the bus lurches to a quick stop, they might accidentally touch you! EWW!!
  • The Angry Person: Riding the bus doesn’t put anyone in a good mood, but this person is e-n-r-a-g-e-d about it. Look at them the wrong way, dare to block their sweet view of the other side of the bus, or accidentally bump into them in the crowd, and you’re going to get barked at.
  • The Cell Phone Talker: Sure, everyone regularly riding the bus has to make a phone call every now and then, but the normal people do it very quietly. Not the cell phone talker. This person has some type of weirdo fetish where they like to know that people are listening to their conversation. Not that the other people on the bus have a choice, since the only noise on the express pony is this freak yelling into their cell phone. Yes, it’s really interesting that your boyfriend just got out of jail. Yes, he should definitely take you back, because you’re going to work on not being so judgemental about his lack of employment…
  • Anyone Who Makes Eye Contact With You: When people look at you and smile – not just a quick, friendly glance – but a prolonged, hungry eye lock, they want to chat. Sit next to this person and expect to get your ear yapped off. Bonus point – if this person is so eager to chat up a total stranger on the bus, there’s a 99.9% chance they’re insane, so expect to hear some pretty strange stories. Absorb them, then share these little nuggets of wisdom with the world via Twitter. It’s your duty to society.

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