Working Out at My Gym with Sweat Sprinklers, Midgets and Live Nudes

10 Apr

It’s no secret that I think many of the people who go to my gym are gross. It’s inevitable that my germaphobia, mixed with a ton of random sweaty people working out on shared gym equipment, is bound to be a bad combination. Yes, I know sometimes I’m a bit harsh on the idiots who go to my gym, but here’s some of the things I have to put up with on a regular basis that make me so crass:

  • The Sweat Sprinkler — My gym has a few giant stairclimbers, the kind with actual regulation-sized steps. I love working out on them, because they’re super hard and a great workout. While working out on any challenging cardio machine, one would expect to sweat — especially if they’re a very large man — and perhaps bring a towel. Not this one dude at my gym. Multiple times now, I’ve been peacefully climbing away, and have looked over to find this dude sweating so hard that it’s dripping EVERYWHERE. He’s swimming in his own sweat, so is his entire stairclimber, and after he’s made a flash flood out of his entire area, he somehow manages to sweat all over the top of MY STAIRCLIMBER! Can you think of anything more disgusting when working out? As if it’s not gross enough watching him drench his own gym equipment, he has to bring his sweat party to my area! Eww, eww, eww!
  • The Grunting Midget — Every gym has its fair share of super short men with insanely huge biceps. They’re about as much of a fixture as the gym equipment. Whatever. They don’t bother me. What does bother me are people who grunt, yell at themselves, and make other annoying sounds while working out. That’s where ‘the grunting midget’ comes in. I often get stuck near this idiot, sometimes in conjunction with ‘the Sweat Sprinkler.’ It’s pretty much impossible to even hear the music coming out of the headphones in my ears when he’s in action. This dude likes to yell at himself and grunt while working out. And he’s like the Energizer Bunny, this goes on, and on, and on… After excessive sweating, he then begins to reek of chicken noodle soup. I’m not sure why this is, but trust me, it’s nauseating.
  • Live Nudes  —I work out at night, and I live really close to my gym, so luckily I’ve never had to take a shower there. However, I do understand why some people need to take showers in the locker room after working out. What I can’t comprehend is why they need to walk around the locker room naked and pose nude on the benches? I also feel that it’s important to mention that the only people who do this are a good 300 lbs and up. If you’ve never seen the nether regions of an obese woman sprawled out on a locker room bench, you have no idea how traumatic it is. An image like that doesn’t just disappear from your mind. It lingers, and lingers, and lingers…

2 Responses to “Working Out at My Gym with Sweat Sprinklers, Midgets and Live Nudes”

  1. M. Phyllis Jerpi April 10, 2012 at 7:25 am #

    I’m laughing out loud on this one! You are too funny!!! You better make sure that you have room for a gym in your next house, so you don’t have to share the equipment.

    • thejerp April 10, 2012 at 8:27 am #

      Haha. Omg, having a gym at home would be fantastic. I don’t enjoy sharing.

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