How to Gain Weight at Work (and Fast)

28 Jun

Skipping the monthly office birthday cake does not make you a bad person. Simply bid the birthday people a ‘Happy Birthday,’ and go on with your (cake-free) day.

If you work in an office, you’re well aware that eating healthy isn’t always easy. In fact, if you’re looking for a way to plump up quick, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to gain weight in Corporate America.

The average American office is consistently stocked with high-calorie foods such as donuts, cookies, sandwich rings, cakes, bagels with cream cheese, and the list goes on and on and on… As bizarre as it sounds, eating healthy is often even frowned upon.

By passing on the never-ending stream of high-calorie foods thrust in your face, expect to be heckled, chastised and pressured by your colleagues, but don’t give in! It’s you that has to face your chipmunk cheeks and tight pants if you surrender to peer pressure and give up on eating healthy.

This donut might be heart shaped, but you sure won’t love the way you look if you raid the office supply everyday.

How to Gain Weight at Work (and Fast)

  • Feel obligated to sample each and every one of the high-calorie foods offered to you.Remember that old D.A.R.E. saying you learned in elementary school, “Just Say No!,” well this motto can be applied here as well.
  • Rely on the office snack supply to satisfy afternoon cravings. If you bring your own afternoon snack, you won’t feel the need to surrender to high-calorie foods sitting in the office kitchen out of desperation.
  • Fall for the ‘free food at lunchtime meetings’ schbeal. It’s inevitable, sometimes you’re going to have a lunchtime meeting. While this is not the end of the world, it can quickly turn traumatic if you eat the free, often high-calorie foods distributed at these events (read: pizza). There’s nothing wrong with bringing your own lunch to one of these meetings and bypassing the free food. If you’re too embarrassed to say you’re eating healthy, blame your diet on a “food allergy” or simply claim to be a very picky eater.

Remember anyone pressuring you to break your eating healthy streak for a piece of cake or some other form of fatty garbage is only jealous of your willpower. Terry from Payroll can chase you around and guilt you for not eating her homemade double chocolate brownies all she wants, but what she’s really saying is “I can only fit into elastic waist pants, so I want everyone else to have to wear them as well.”

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