Tag Archives: humor

Working Out at My Gym with Sweat Sprinklers, Midgets and Live Nudes

10 Apr

It’s no secret that I think many of the people who go to my gym are gross. It’s inevitable that my germaphobia, mixed with a ton of random sweaty people working out on shared gym equipment, is bound to be a bad combination. Yes, I know sometimes I’m a bit harsh on the idiots who go to my gym, but here’s some of the things I have to put up with on a regular basis that make me so crass:

  • The Sweat Sprinkler — My gym has a few giant stairclimbers, the kind with actual regulation-sized steps. I love working out on them, because they’re super hard and a great workout. While working out on any challenging cardio machine, one would expect to sweat — especially if they’re a very large man — and perhaps bring a towel. Not this one dude at my gym. Multiple times now, I’ve been peacefully climbing away, and have looked over to find this dude sweating so hard that it’s dripping EVERYWHERE. He’s swimming in his own sweat, so is his entire stairclimber, and after he’s made a flash flood out of his entire area, he somehow manages to sweat all over the top of MY STAIRCLIMBER! Can you think of anything more disgusting when working out? As if it’s not gross enough watching him drench his own gym equipment, he has to bring his sweat party to my area! Eww, eww, eww!
  • The Grunting Midget — Every gym has its fair share of super short men with insanely huge biceps. They’re about as much of a fixture as the gym equipment. Whatever. They don’t bother me. What does bother me are people who grunt, yell at themselves, and make other annoying sounds while working out. That’s where ‘the grunting midget’ comes in. I often get stuck near this idiot, sometimes in conjunction with ‘the Sweat Sprinkler.’ It’s pretty much impossible to even hear the music coming out of the headphones in my ears when he’s in action. This dude likes to yell at himself and grunt while working out. And he’s like the Energizer Bunny, this goes on, and on, and on… After excessive sweating, he then begins to reek of chicken noodle soup. I’m not sure why this is, but trust me, it’s nauseating.
  • Live Nudes  —I work out at night, and I live really close to my gym, so luckily I’ve never had to take a shower there. However, I do understand why some people need to take showers in the locker room after working out. What I can’t comprehend is why they need to walk around the locker room naked and pose nude on the benches? I also feel that it’s important to mention that the only people who do this are a good 300 lbs and up. If you’ve never seen the nether regions of an obese woman sprawled out on a locker room bench, you have no idea how traumatic it is. An image like that doesn’t just disappear from your mind. It lingers, and lingers, and lingers…

My Tortured Love Affair with Reduced Fat Peanut Butter

28 Mar

I’m addicted to reduced fat peanut butter. Specifically, Jiff peanut butter. I definitely understand why choosy moms have been choosing it for decades.

It all started in college, when for the first time, I had a jar of reduced fat peanut butter all to myself. Read: My parents weren’t in my dorm room to stop me from eating it straight from the jar. This was a-m-a-z-i-n-g! I could have as much of this delicious, nutritional snack as I wanted, and no one would yell at me for fisting the jar. My world was filled with rainbows, puppies, and butterflies for awhile… then I got a bit fat. I had to face the terrible realization that my good “healthy” snack was at least partially to blame for my pants not fitting.

For awhile I opted to solve this problem by sleeping in my jeans and washing them less, you know to keep them nice and stretched out. Obviously, this did not serve as a permanent, long-term solution. I eventually had to stop keeping my precious reduced fat peanut butter in our apartment, because my love for it was out of control.

One of my roommates in college took this picture. Some might call it rock bottom, but I call it true love.

***Fast forward to 2012***

 I started buying my favorite Jiff peanut butter again a few years ago. My mom gave me a recipe for plain oatmeal, mixed with reduced fat peanut butter and cinnamon that sounded amazing. I was a bit leery to trust myself with an entire jar of it again, but assumed I was mature enough to handle it. For awhile it worked out quite well, as I would only eat it mixed in with oatmeal, or in the occasional peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Everytime I got the urge to freehandedly dig into the jar, I sent some visions of fat me dancing through my head. Not pretty.

Eventually my true fat colors presented themselves, and I started oinking it up again, a little at a time. Except this time I would use a measuring spoon, exactly 1 teaspoon (or half a serving), so I could keep track of how much I was eating. For a long time I managed to keep it at one serving a day, then slowly but surely I’d sneak more and more of it. I’d justify it to myself as just eating it as a nutritional snack, but there’s a fine line between eating a normal amount and going hog wild. And I crossed it. Faced with fears of a repeat situation of the above (pictured), I once again decided to take a break from reduced fat peanut butter.

I’m hoping by spending some time apart from my beloved Jiff peanut butter, that I will be able to gain a bit more self-control, shame, or whatever one needs to stop eating massive quantities of it straight from the jar. That probably won’t happen.

Don’t Let the Effects of Stress Get You Down

2 Dec

Healthy living includes more than just exercising and following a balanced diet. Coping with stress and learning how to relax are important ingredients in behaving like a normal person, and not a mentally-off psychopath. Of course, with the holidays and everything going on during this time of year, everyone is experiencing the effects of stress and perhaps behaving a bit erratically. Maybe you were rushing around the house this morning and accidentally went to work bra-less, or perhaps you introduced your date by the wrong name at the office Christmas party, or if you’re me you may have driven into a concrete wall in your neighborhood… Whatever.

Regardless of whatever dumb-arsed thing you’ve done today, it’s important to be able to look at it from the bright side, and then just mock yourself mercilessly about it. Before anyone else can. For example, I really did accidentally drive my car into a concrete wall today. There’s no defending that one, I’m kind of an idiot. I didn’t really think it was funny until about an hour after my car accident with myself, but then I mean c’mon, I managed to drive into a concrete wall while going 2 miles per hour in my own neighborhood! No one was hurt (excluding my car, my bank account, and the wall) and I didn’t have any pride to begin with, so there’s really nothing left to do besides take this for what it is, a really funny story.

Apparently my Mazda doesn't double as a bulldozer.

So next time you’re coping with stress, or you’ve just done something really stupid, do your best to laugh it off. Don’t let the effects of stress get you down, instead get back up and slap it the face!