Tag Archives: public transportation

People to Avoid When Riding the Bus

10 Oct

The bus is a traveling freak show.

If you work in a downtown area, you’re probably well aware that parking isn’t cheap. In order to save money, many of us take the cheap way out, by riding the bus to work. The pros of riding the bus end with the money-saving factor. Unfortunately for me, this one little benefit outweighs the laundry list of weird stuff that I subject myself to on a daily basis, by being cooped up with a bunch of flaming weirdos for the entire duration of the bus ride. Riding the bus is about survival of the fittest – only the toughest can handle doing it for years and years, like I have. One of the most important keys to success is learning how to dodge the biggest whack jobs.

Avoid These People When Riding the Bus:

  • The Pervert: This weirdo wants to ride more than just the bus. They started giving you the eye at the bus stop, and now they’re inching up the aisle trying to get closer to you. Watch your arse, because this person is leering at it like a hyena and a turkey leg. If they try to talk to you, try to conjure up a few words that you learned in high school spanish class. “No habla ingles, el perverto.”
  • Disheveled Types: These people look like they haven’t showered in days (or months), you have no idea what it is that they’re wearing, and when you get closer chances are that they’re going to smell, bad. Stay away from these people, if you sit next to them, their stench might rub off on you. Or even worse, if the bus lurches to a quick stop, they might accidentally touch you! EWW!!
  • The Angry Person: Riding the bus doesn’t put anyone in a good mood, but this person is e-n-r-a-g-e-d about it. Look at them the wrong way, dare to block their sweet view of the other side of the bus, or accidentally bump into them in the crowd, and you’re going to get barked at.
  • The Cell Phone Talker: Sure, everyone regularly riding the bus has to make a phone call every now and then, but the normal people do it very quietly. Not the cell phone talker. This person has some type of weirdo fetish where they like to know that people are listening to their conversation. Not that the other people on the bus have a choice, since the only noise on the express pony is this freak yelling into their cell phone. Yes, it’s really interesting that your boyfriend just got out of jail. Yes, he should definitely take you back, because you’re going to work on not being so judgemental about his lack of employment…
  • Anyone Who Makes Eye Contact With You: When people look at you and smile – not just a quick, friendly glance – but a prolonged, hungry eye lock, they want to chat. Sit next to this person and expect to get your ear yapped off. Bonus point – if this person is so eager to chat up a total stranger on the bus, there’s a 99.9% chance they’re insane, so expect to hear some pretty strange stories. Absorb them, then share these little nuggets of wisdom with the world via Twitter. It’s your duty to society.

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How to Survive Public Transportation

25 Aug

Cabs are public transportation for the privledged.

If you take public transportation to work, or even if you don’t, you know that it isn’t the most desirable way to get around. Besides the college kids and the commuters trying to save a bit of time and money, the city bus is full of whack jobs that are too crazy to get a driver’s license. Taking public transportation to and from work is typically the nastiest part of any normal person’s day, but at least it brings us great stories to tell our non-city bus riding friends.

Tips for surviving public transportation: 

  • Don’t talk to strangers. You might think the crazy guy wearing paint-splattered shorts over sweat pants is talking to you, but listen carefully, he’s actually having a conversation with himself. Be polite and don’t interrupt.
  • Avoid making eye contact with anyone. Yes, there is a man sitting on the steps wearing a giant wooden cross. Although it’s tempting to stare, because really how can you not, do your best to face forward and pretend that this behavior is normal. If he catches you looking at him, he might actually talk to you and trust me, you don’t want that.
  • Carry hand sanitizer with you at all times. You might be able to get away without touching anything, but if you can’t, you need to come prepared.
  • Change clothes immediately upon arriving home. Do not sit on the couch, do not lay down on the bed, get those grimy clothes into the laundry basket immediately! Who knows what you may have just sat in on the city bus, or at the very least who may have been sitting there before you. You don’t want to know, you don’t want to think about it, but you do need to wash those pants.
  • Wear headphones. This is your excuse to ignore anyone who tries to creep on you. So when the guy sitting next to you starts complimenting your feet, you’re not being rude by not responding, you simply “can’t hear him.”
  • Don’t stuff yourself into the middle seat between two people who cannot fit into their own designated seats. While it may not seem fair that they’re taking up 1.5 seats and you’re left to stand for half an hour, you’ll be grateful to have made this sacrifice. When the city bus hits a bump, they will fall on you and you will feel their meaty skin on yours. You don’t want that.
  • Do listen to crazy people’s cell phone conversations. They’re pretty hilarious and they make for some really great stories.Plus you can learn a few things. I mean it’s not everyday you get to hear a woman beg her jobless ex-boyfriend who has recently been released from prison to take her back. If she’s talking so loud that you have learned this information from her phone call, she’s actually asking you to listen. This is a cultural educational experience and you need to share your newfound knowledge with your friends and co-workers.

Etiquette Rules for Bus Riders

11 Jun

Bus riders are "special" people.

Riding the bus around the city you live in is not the same thing as taking a cruise around the Caribbean. Sure you’re in a moving vehicle driven by someone else, but that’s where the similarities end. Bus riders check their dignity and succumb themselves to public transportation for two reasons, 1.) they’re too cheap to park downtown or 2.) they don’t have a car. Take note, neither of those reasons involve getting a date or making new friends. If you’re a regular bus rider, like myself, take these helpful hints into consideration before the next time you ride the bus:

1.) Don’t stare at a woman’s toes and tell her she has beautiful feet

2.) Don’t question every person within earshot about where to get the best pork chops and gravy for dinner. I get it, you think pork chops are exciting, but well… no one cares.

3.) When on a very quiet bus, stay off the phone. Although your fellow bus riders agree that your drug addicted, jobless boyfriend, who was recently released from prison should give you a second chance, it’s 8am and you’re making us feel dirty.

4.) Yelling at the bus driver does not make you look tough, cool or edgy. Instead you just look like you forgot to take your meds (which you probably did).

5.) Do not approach strangers at your bus stop and tell them that you know where they work and where they live. That’s weird. And creepy.