Torture on the Massage Table

There's nothing like a nice relaxing massage.

I love spa treatments, but then again who doesn’t?! A nice relaxing massage is good for your health, as it loosens up your muscles, helps you to relax and relieves stress. Except when you have a massage therapist with killer body odor and some strange massage techniques.

I have a monthly membership at a national massage and facial establishment. I always look forward to getting monthly spa treatments, so last Saturday my boyfriend and I went in for our February appointments. I’m well aware that I could request the same massage therapist each time, but I’ve always like everyone, and it makes it lot easier to just book an appointment with whoever is free. I learned the hard way this past weekend that going with a grab bag massage therapist might not be such an intelligent move.

I don’t remember the name of last weekend’s massage therapist, so we’re going to refer to him a Theodore. In the initial seconds of meeting Theodore, all was well, as I had no idea what the next hour would bring. Fast forward, now I’m lying on the massage table, and Theodore is hovering over me. I know for sure that he’d been working up a sweat all day, rubbing people and such, because the body odor emulating from his arm pits was rampant. It wafted down and just punched me right in the nose. It was so bad that I had to hold my breath when he would saunter up to the end of the massage table where my head was. Yikes. I mean I understand that no one smells like roses at the end of a long workday, but c’mon, a massage is supposed to be relaxing, so how am I supposed to relax when I’m holding my breath for dear life. Strike one, Theodore, strike one.

Now, I don’t have long hair by any means, it’s about shoulder length, but I didn’t pull it back. It’s never seemed to bother the  massage therapist in the past if I leave it down. So I’m lying there on the massage table, and I notice Theodore tugging on my hair. I didn’t think anything of it at first, I figured it was just in his way. Then he kept doing it. I know everyone has different massage techniques, but c’mon Theodore, no one finds it relaxing to have their hair pulled. Sicko. Strike two, Theodore, strike two.

No one's pulling this dude's hair on the massage table.

It seemed as if Theodore got his strange massage techniques out of his way at the beginning, and later on he moved far enough down the table so I couldn’t smell him. All was well. I began to forgive Theodore, as he was finally giving me the nice relaxing massage that I wanted. Then he returned to the top of the massage table. Right where my head was. At this point, I was lying on my stomach, yet I was still getting intermittent reminders that Theodore forgot to put his deodorant on that morning. Then the hair pulling started back up. Strike three, Theodore, strike three.

During a nice relaxing massage, time flies. You get to the end of your session, and it seems like only mere minutes have passed since you initially hopped onto the massage table. That was certainly not the case this time. While I’m still a firm believer in the health benefits of a good relaxing massage, I would now advise you to find a massage therapist or two that you really like and stick with them. After all, you don’t want to get rubbed the wrong way…

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